There be dragons!

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Sophist's Dictionary


(with apologies to Ambrose Bierce):

comfort = the root of all existence; too little of which stimulates change, too much of which kills spending

country = an illusion that helps placate the masses by encouraging them to think they share some common bond and are not isolated and lonely targets; a good excuse for going to war with another group of people in order to increase profit margins

family = a temporary convenience until something better from Argentina comes along

freedom = a limited set of choices calculated to encourage the maximum amount of spending among the people by seeming to be limitless; proportional to one's spending power (see Maxim's maxim); just some people talking; another word for nothing left to lose

God = a tool for self aggrandizement

happiness = a euphoria induced by the release of chemicals within the body brought on by an abundance of porn, fast food, violent video games/movies, and/or loud music; an excellent stimulant to freedom (see above); a warm gun.

illusion = a term marketed to the masses to encourage them to think that they must buy certain products in order to be liberated from it.

love = that without which no product can be moved; love must be fanned until it burns focused until it flames, controlled until it consumes; chemicals released into the body that convince one that everything will be okay; easily simulated by chocolate, steak, or 1-900 phone calls.

Maxim's maxim = F1+P1 = S1,
Let F1 = greater sense of freedom
Let P1 = more spending power
Let S1 = more spending

religion = a fine thing taken in moderation; a useful set of actions and words to gain money, advance a career, or promote one's latest album

soul, consciousness, nous, individuality = nice sentiments easily compromised; a delusion common among the buying public of their own self-worth and/or importance.

thought = the enemy of success; the prompter of hesitation; the impediment to ruin; the foil to excess; the confounder of profits; the parent of self-control; the disperser of illusion; the destruction of empires; the breeder of emancipation; the catalyst of action

No comments:

Post a Comment